Trumpets blared, flags were raised, and a parade of elephants lifted their trunks to welcome the Deputy Emperor of the Amerikkkan Empire to India last month. As Rajasthani folk dancers moved alongside His Majesty, JD Vance, his wife, and three children, the scent of rose petals and incense wafted through the Ajmer royal court halls, and musicians played their instruments with full passion. 

As the Deputy Emperor descended from his aircraft, local reporters were eager to see the homecoming of his Telugu-American wife, Usha Vance, to show their children their cultural Bharatiya roots. Since they looked like they were straight out of a Bollywood musical, one would be forgiven for thinking one was witnessing the Delhi Durbar of 1911, which marked the coronation of King George V and Queen Mary as Emperor and Empress of India. 

Vance had arrived to meet the Governor-General of India, Lord Narendra Modi, to discuss important matters of the Empire and the rise of Indian actors in Netflix series who exclusively fall in love with white boys. This visit was for the Amerikkkan Empire and its colony, Akhand Bharat, to forge a new path, as America remains in the middle of a trade war, hurling tariff prices into disarray across the world, like they were throwing colors into the air during Holi. 

Vance, who had just met the Pope in Rome one day before his death, met with Modi to discuss a bilateral trade agreement and strengthen defence relations. This was soon followed by India engaging in an “act of war” by threatening to suspend the Indus Water Treaty to stop the flow of water to Pakistan in retaliation for the recent Pahalgam attacks. Nothing says a healthy democracy than all political parties collectively agreeing that moving closer to nuclear war is better than holding the Indian State accountable for allowing 26 people to be killed in the most militarized zone in the world. 

The Indian print media covered Vance’s visit very well, focusing more on his love for dosa than the fact that Trump’s tariff overhaul aims at decreasing import duties for US agricultural products that would hurt Indian farmers with a $33-billion blow. The reporting also proved how spiritual and grounded white boys can be during their Indian summer vacation, by emphasizing Vance’s love for channa masala and lamb curry. 

“We welcome our American overlords to our humble abode,” Lord Narendra Modi tweeted earlier today as he gave a bear hug to Vance, who was not leaving the couch in Modi’s house. “But please do not tax us at 26%. We’re not ready for an uprising yet.”

Given that our Deputy Emperor JD Vance said that the 21st century would be “a dark time for humanity” without a close India-US alliance, this trip was crucial to ensure that the current world order can still benefit a flailing empire, seeing the sun set on itself. 

After a brief stop at the newly opened Gandhi-Xi-Modi Friendship Stadium—funded jointly by Adani and Lockheed Martin, His Highness Vance dropped by the Mughal-era Taj Mahal for a quick photo shoot while the monument remains standing, given that Hindu Nationalist fanboys of Modi have been calling for the demolition of Mughal monuments, as latest archaeological data has revealed there were temples under each one of them. 

It was also a wonderful opportunity for the US Vice-President to make Trump’s “Make America Great Again” meet Modi’s “Viksit Bharat 2027” vision; the convergence of two collapsing empires has never looked more photo-ready. Indeed, the photographs of the three Vance children dressed in carefully coordinated kurta-pyjamas and a lehenga—because nothing says soft power like cosplay—were splashed across Indian newspapers with the jubilance of a royal wedding. 

India, ever-eager to please, was quick to label Vance “India’s son-in-law” while ignoring that his policies back home would deport half of India’s diaspora if they overstayed a visa.

And so, what a homecoming it was! A soft Hindu nationalism draped in saffron and silk, punctuated with cries of “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” as the Deputy Emperor dropped spiritual platitudes about universal values while ignoring the jailed pastors and burned churches of Manipur. 

But it wasn’t just spiritual tourism. It was good old-fashioned Empire work. The Hindutva regime has shown itself more than willing to shift from Soviet-era junk to Israeli precision and American muscle, provided it can point those guns at Muslims and Urban Naxals with equal ease. From the West Bank to Bastar, the shared commitment to ethnic cleansing as state policy is what truly binds our two democracies.

In private meetings, Vance assured Indian counterparts that even though he believes the European Union is in danger of becoming a “permanent vassal” of the US, India need not worry—because Delhi already is. Junior partner? Try lapdog. “Our friends in Bharat have always shown admirable loyalty in serving the cause of Western civilization,” Vance said lovingly in a statement to the media. 

The assembled RSS cadre—donning Mussolini’s short fascist pant style that they have long copied—nodded vigorously in agreement, gold-plated fountain pens scribbling notes on palm-sized saffron notebooks, 

Meanwhile, Indian officials reportedly agreed to slash tariffs on over half of US exports, worth approximately $23 billion. This economic handshake was celebrated as a victory by Indian media houses who, in another life, might’ve also covered the British 1833 Charter Act as “a bold push for economic liberalization.” 

But the dark comedy of the visit hit its peak when Vance, after paying his respects to the victims of the Pahalgam attacks, solemnly laid a wreath for the victims of the Chittisinghpura massacre—awkwardly skipping the detail that the massacre occurred exactly during President Bill Clinton’s visit in 2000, raising suspicions that it was staged by Indian forces themselves. History, after all, must not interrupt the vibes of the present. 

As the Deputy Emperor’s Air Force One lifted off the tarmac—leaving behind red carpets, tea-stained smiles, and a few thousand reels of Usha Vance praising the “spiritual calm of Gurgaon traffic”—one couldn’t help but think: the sun may have set on the British Empire, but the neocolonial baton has simply passed hands. 

Namaste, and God Bless the Empire.