In a deeply emotional press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Palace, Emperor Donald Trump announced that he has personally commissioned pop sovereign Taylor Swift to write and perform a “national healing breakup anthem” album, chronicling his dramatic fallout with former ally and space billionaire, Elon Musk. 

His Highness Trump and His High-ness Musk fell out last week, showing the world during Pride Month that two men can be deeply involved in each other’s business, running the world’s most powerful military and Tesla, while also facing basic human emotions like grief, heartbreak, and revenge. 

“He said he loved me. I gave him full access to the United States government to do his weird DOGE program. And now what? The things you do for love,” Trump sobbed into a golden handkerchief. “Taylor gets me. She understands betrayal.”

Sources inside the Amerikkkan Ministry of Celebrity Relations confirmed that Swift has already begun recording the track, tentatively titled “You Belong With MAGA,” with emotional lyrics like;

“Drive in the streets with you and your beat-up Tesla,
I can’t help thinking this is how it ought to be,
Crying on the White House Lawns, thinking to myself,

Hey, isn’t he grieving?

He’s got a smirk that could raise my Trump Tower
I haven’t seen it in a while since I was with Putin
He says he’s fine, I know him better than that
Whatchu doing with your tweets like that?”

Other tracks also include “We Are Never Ever Going To Mars”, “You MAGA Me Crazy”, and “I Can’t Handle Nazi-ing You”. 

This comes as Emperor Trump had a celebrity breakup, who, like anyone going through a traumatic untangling of emotions, decided to take it out on American educational institutions and the entire state of California. “We tried to calm him down by sending him 30 Big Mac burgers and playing soft ASMR of Mexican children being separated from their parents, but he still wouldn’t stop crying,” a White House correspondent stated earlier today. 

“Elon, please come back. I MISS YOU. Things have never been the same. AMERICA NEEDS HER STRONG BOY. I NEED MY DEPUTY EMPEROR to help me guide this country to its GLORIOUS Future”, Trump tweeted as he cut off another $57 billion from Harvard’s educational funds to make a heart-shaped NASA rocket emblazoned with the words ‘The Musk & Don 4 Eva’. 

Emperor Trump found that ever since Elon Musk wrapped up his illegal position in the United States Government as Chief Advisor and Part-Time White House Ketamine Hustler, he has found even more free time to aimlessly wander the corridors of the White House. 

Leaked audio tapes from the White House have circulated across the internet with meandering recordings like: “I feel so alone. Trump without his Elon is like the KKK without their white hoods. That reminds me. I think I’ll make the best of this time past my breakup to heal myself—by sending troops to California to put down protests against those NASTY MARXIST COMMIE riots against our VERY GOOD ICE raids. How else will I make the nation’s priority arresting gardeners, domestic workers, and people who speak that Mexican language if my heart’s one true priority, Elon, is no longer here??” 

And thus, the United States military finally deployed troops within its own borders, rather than to a Middle Eastern town to protect oil pipelines. The last few times the Amerikkkan Empire used troops against its own people was during the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s and during other racial injustice protests, especially given that the history of the American Police has been tied to their courageous duty to stop African slaves from escaping plantations. 

“Malcolm-X? Who’s that? I only know Space-X and my One True Love, Elon Musk. TAYLOR, WHERE IS THAT SONG???!! I NEED IT NOW!!!” Trump tweeted earlier today, as the Press reported that there were 34 jet flights from the White House to the nearest Starbucks, indicating Ms. Swift’s presence. 

In a time of global heartbreak, Indian Emperor Narendra Modi decided to shoot his shot by saying that ISRO can help the US launch its rockets. “Donald Ji. You are India’s friend. Don’t worry about Elon Musk. He didn’t deserve you anyway. Why not try something beyond white boys? Bharat will always welcome you”, PM Modi said in an official Press release, emphasizing how US troops could learn from India’s own counter-insurgency efforts in Central India, which have managed to quell uprisings by Adivasi indigenous people. 

“We are united in our fight against these ‘Enemies From Within’. You have your filthy immigrants, the Marxists, the Communists, Muslims, and the Radical Antifa. We have our Urban Naxal Jihadi Rice Bag Missionaries. We are meant to be Donaldji, forget about Musk ji,” Modi added as more Indian-American Savarna Hindu organisations joined White Supremacist Brunch gatherings wearing White and Saffron hoods. 

As the world’s premier Land of the Free witnesses billionaires controlling the government, the demise of Academic freedom, and escalating repression against Black, Latino, and Trans communities, the international community hopes that Taylor Swift ft. Trump’s album will calm down global tensions. 

“We are ready to send BTS to also perform for Musk on behalf of His Almighty Trump if that means the world can have a more stable World Leader”, the President of South Korea said, as KPop fans across the world rejoiced that their beloved idols were finally free of their mandatory military conscription service. 

The world is truly going through a heartbreak that can only be solved by communicating and working out differences. Perhaps they should take a leaf out of how Indian billionaires like Adani and Ambani have successfully worked out a mutual relationship with PM Modi. This Pride Month, it is time to say “#LoveWins” and “even billionaires and politicians are humans too”.